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Tuesday, October 19, 2010
shouldn't be posting this, so much to read. but i love this book, and just wanted to write this somewhere where i'd be able to find it later: "I am not sad, he would repeat to himself over and over, I am not sad. As if he might one day convince himself. Or fool himself. Or convince others--the only thing worse than being sad is for others to know that you are sad." |
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Tuesday, October 12, 2010
it makes me happy, but it made me sad. hearing all the talks that felt like they were specifically written for me, to give me renewed hope in humanity, to realize that there is a God who does love us, that was beautiful. until i later read about president packer's talk that touched on homosexual feelings. i am not gay, but that doesn't mean i don't know and love gay people. there was a time in my life when i considered it unnatural, mostly because of my parents' opinions, but as i've grown up and formed my own opinions, i've realized that they have no choice, and it's simply the way they are; they can't change it. so many of my sister's friends from BYU are gay, and she would talk about how they struggled so much with their feelings because they were part of a religion that portrays same-sex desires as being unnatural, and acting on said desires as being a sin. i do not condemn anyone who acts on their feelings, and i don't think a merciful God would either. what president packer said about our Heavenly Father not giving his children those feelings from birth because he loves us all doesn't seem right to me... i hate to question the words of an apostle, but it makes me so sad that he thinks that people attracted to their same gender choose that path. so many would prefer that they didn't have that attraction, so why would they make that decision? i can understand the idea of being homosexual being just another trial that some have to overcome, but shouldn't we be allowed happiness while on the earth? i can't imagine someone being happy when they think that what they feel is unnatural and a sin. loving a person should be a source of joy, not guilt. and really, what is life without love? president packer said that gay people can overcome their desires, and that they should not act on them. how could a person go against everything they feel, try to force themselves to be attracted to someone who they are completely repulsed to? or live a life absent of any physical contact with those you are attracted to? i can't imagine. i was reading a blog (http://gaymormonguy.blogspot.com/2010/10/president-packers-talk-from-gay-mormon.html) that gave me some more perspective on this, but i can't help but feel that what president packer said makes homosexuals of the LDS faith feel like what they feel and what they do is wrong, when what they should understand is that God, if He is anything like i think/pray/hope He is, still loves them, and that they are not at fault, they have done nothing wrong. |
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Friday, September 10, 2010
"My biggest advice for anyone dealing with the heartbreak of an unwanted breakup is to look very carefully at the person who broke up with you and look very carefully at yourself. If you are radically honest, you will see a myriad of ways that you asked for the breakup to happen as well as the ways that you deserve something better in relation to an other" |
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Thursday, September 2, 2010
it's been awhile... a lot has happened. but the point of this is not to talk about how angsty i've been in the past few months, but rather, a topic that has been perplexing me. God? are you there? should i keep blindly following, or go off on my own tangent, pursuing happiness at my own pace, in my own way? i can't not believe that there is a higher being of some kind, but i hate the idea that we should refrain from experiencing some things because it's against God's will. aren't we here to have a fullfilling experience? i'm so confused about what i believe...and i don't know how to figure out what i do believe. it feels like i'm so used to being part of an organized religion because i was raised in it, and LDS ideals have been hammered into my head for the past sixteen years. only now am i starting to develop any doubts. but the idea of God...of everlasting life...it gives such a feeling of hope that i've been lacking. maybe this is a sign? doubting God = empty feeling inside. because recently i've been so unhappy, and i've blamed it on patrick...but that's not the point! i will not talk about him, i don't want to. not now. maybe this is another sign - i was strolling through facebook, minding my own business, when i came across a peculiar group dedicated to a girl who went to olympus... i looked at the girl's profile, and all of the posts left on her wall were messages from friends, speaking of love and happy memories. i honestly was unsure of what it all meant, because nothing hinted at what had happened - the girl had died from some sort of heat stroke while hiking this past summer. the messages i read made me tear up, because none of them sounded hopeless. all of them were happy, and they all of spoke of knowing that she is still present, at least in a heavenly way. that she still watches over, even if she is no longer physically alive. i remember when oige died, reading messages on his wall made me cry, too, but for a different reason: everyone was so sad. no one believed they'd see this happy, beautiful boy ever again. they spoke of memories wistfully, saying how much they missed him, and how they wished he was still alive. they had no hope that they could ever be with him again. but with this girl...everyone said how much they missed her, but it was clear that they knew it wasn't really the end. how sad it must be, not knowing if you'll ever see someone you love again. that is one thing i love irrevocably about my religion, that feeling of hope. knowing that good bye is never really good bye. so is it really all or nothing? can i be Mormon without really being Mormon? |
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Monday, May 10, 2010
so maybe things aren't quite as awful as they seem. thank you, patrick, for helping me to realize this. |
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