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Thursday, April 24, 2008
I feel almost like I have a chronic fear of marriage. I'm completely aware of the fact that I'm far too young to get married anyway, but when the time comes, I'm almost dreading it. It's not the concept of love, and having a close relationship with someone like none other. It's the thought of divorce, and the loss of that once so strong love. Every B Day, I discuss topics such as these with my lunch friends, and it doesn't really help at all, it's just nice to know that other people have the same insecurities that I do. I believe that love is real, I really do. I believe that once you find it, it can last forever. That the irrelevant and quaint crushes that I currently take part in having are just leading to the real thing. I also believe that finding that love must be extremely difficult. Is there only one other person in the world for me? And if I never find him? Will I have a lacking relationship, with an emptiness I can never understand, let alone explain? Can love be forced, if the person is willing enough? I want that deep love that lasts forever, one where he will love me just as much, and all jealousy of past relationships can be left behind. A love that is so strong that we will only see each other, ignoring the beautiful people that surround us because we know each other's heart, each other's soul. A love that will never falter, a love that may have its shortcomings, but in the end will vanquish all misgivings. In other words, I want the perfect romance. So many marriages end because of cheating and lying. So many remain together even though the love has long past faded. I don't want to marry the love of my life, only discover after 25 years of marriage that he's cheating on me with a more beautiful woman, a more slender one, more more more. I want a husband who will remain faithful and loving, one that I will keep loving, who will think of me as perfect, even if I am not the most beautiful girl he's ever seen. Only shallow relationships are based off of looks. The way a person looks may be what first attracts their partner, but personalities and thoughts are what really join the two in harmony. I worry about myself. I worry that I'm shallow and flighty, eager to move on to the next hot thing, guy-wise. I worry that I'll think I'm in love, but after only a few months of marriage I'll get bored and want to move on. And then I worry that I'll be the one so enamored with my spouse, and he'll be the one that gets bored and files for the divorce shortly after we get married. My parents seem as though they were never especially fond of each other, which could be a base of my insecurities on love. Neither dated around all that much, so how could they completely tell that they were meant to be together? The way that my dad proposed was neither romantic nor clever. They made a decision to get married with 'mutual agreeing'. He didn't even have a ring. I hear the sappy, corny, but oh-so-adorable stories of romantic engagements, and all I have to say is, "Oh, they agreed to get married." My dad didn't even end up buying her the ring! Her dad had to buy it! All due to my grandpa (Dad's dad) and his moronic stinginess. Or frugality, in nicer terms. As of now, they hardly touch. It seems as though they are still together because that's the way they think it should be. If my dad tries to kiss my mom, she claims that he's 'hurting' her and shies away. I want my marriage to be more close than that. I guess all that I'm trying to say is that, I want to find a lasting love so that I don't get hurt in the end. |
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❝ The only excuse for making a useless thing
is that one enjoys it immensely;
All art is useless. ❞
