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Saturday, January 17, 2009
I am such a coward. I am so afraid of getting my feelings crushed, or not getting what I want, or looking like a fool, that I won't risk anything, and end up looking like a fool anyway. I can never risk my sharing my feelings for guys with them because I'm not confident in myself enough to believe that there might be a chance that they might even like me back. I wish I had the courage to be more outgoing, more bold. I wish I liked myself enough to not aways be afraid. I feel so ugly, so fat, all the time. I watch other girls and compare myself to them, thinking 'oh, they are so much thinner than me' or 'i wish i had cheekbones like hers' or 'my eyes are so small' or 'why can't i be as pretty and confident as she is?'. I always want to be someone else, I'm never happy with myself the way I am. In Korea, being surrounded by stick-thin, gorgeous girls all the time, somehow I felt better about myself than I do now, and I don't understand why. I just feel like I'm inadequate, and no decent guy would ever like me because I'm too fat. Then I see large girls with cute boyfriends and think 'how can they have a boyfriends and me not?', and I realize that it's all a matter of my pride. I don't believe that I can attract a guy, so I don't try. My criticism on myself reflects when others look at me. I don't have the kind of personality that is friendly enough to make up for the way I look, and I wish I did. I wish I could just be able to talk, to be able to flirt well, for goodness sake!!! |
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❝ The only excuse for making a useless thing
is that one enjoys it immensely;
All art is useless. ❞
