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Wednesday, June 17, 2009
i always believed that i would die before age 20. there would be an accident of tragic means, and i wouldn't live to see two decades. sometimes i feel like if i were to die, i would accept it. by that i mean i'm not eager to die, and i wouldn't be happy, but i would be okay with it. i would understand it if i needed to die. every time i leave on a trip, i start thinking that it's going to be the last time i see my home, and i say goodbye to everything i love. when i left on the airplane from korea back to san fransisco, i was actually surprised when it didn't crash. if it had suddenly failed in the air and had started to free fall, i wouldn't have even been surprised. when we arrived in the airport, i actually felt somewhat... disappointed. then, leaving on the airplane to go to salt lake city, i was waiting for that plane to break down, for me to be forced to have my final moments of life, to breathe my last breath, to look back on my life, and to come to a conclusion that it had been a good one. it feels like it would be so easy to just die. so much in life is a trial, and so much is difficult. all the time i feel like i'm alone, even if i'm surrounded by friends. i'm almost feeling like the number of close friends i have is dwindling. i still have a few friends that i truly love and care about so much, but the friend that i feel like i've lost... it's almost as if i've lost a limb, or a vital organ. something that kept me whole this entire time. there were things she knew about me that no one else knew or would understand. there are things that i told her that i can't find ways to tell anyone else. even now, when something important or exciting happens to me, i feel a sudden desire to call her, or text her, or maybe just stop her when i see her so i can tell her, but in reality i know she wouldn't really care anymore. when she left, metaphorically, she took part of me with her. and maybe the friendship wasn't meant to last, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. just to think that dying would end all the pain i sometimes feel, it almost seems enticing. i would never commit suicide, but maybe dying with a feeling of acceptance and relief is actually considered suicide. but, at the same time, there are so many things i haven't been able to do in my life. i would miss out on so much if i died this young. i would never get my first kiss (at least, one that would count), never find the one man that i would realize i'm in love with, never get married, never have children, never see those children grow, never see them have families of their own. just to think of how beautiful life can be, and how bright the future seems... that is what keeps me from giving up, from accepting death fully. |
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❝ The only excuse for making a useless thing
is that one enjoys it immensely;
All art is useless. ❞
