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Sunday, January 18, 2009
Love... It's such a peculiar thing. It comes in different forms, and comes when you least expect it. There is love for your family, the kind that is bone-deep and came along when you were born. There is love for your friends, the kind that you gain along with friendships, that isn't quite as permanent as the love for family, but can be just as strong, or even stronger. Then there is love for partners (or however you would put it). It is not stronger than the other categories of love, but it means so much more. It's almost as if it is a chemical imbalance in the heart. It leaves the heart throbbing, the stomach churning... It is so easy to fall in love. You could see someone on the street and feel an immediate attraction to them. You might fancy it as love, you might consider it just a crush. You could know someone for a long time without even considering them to be anything more than a friend, or even an acquaintance, then see them one day, and suddenly feel something different. Maybe that love comes from knowing them through and through. Maybe there are different levels of love, and maybe the love can dwindle. Maybe when you have a 'crush', you really are in love, it's just not quite as strong as your love would be for a spouse. Maybe there are soul mates, and until you've met them, you haven't even comprehended the love you can feel for another. Or maybe you just can learn to love, and the entire idea of soul mates is a load of crap. Maybe that's why divorce rates are so high--because the partners haven't truly found their soul mates. Maybe some people will never find their soul mates. Maybe I have been in love, but not true, undying, heartbreaking love. Maybe some people fall in love too easily. Maybe some people are too full of hate to allow love in. Maybe I'm just thinking stupid things. Why is love so complex?? |
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Saturday, January 17, 2009
I am such a coward. I am so afraid of getting my feelings crushed, or not getting what I want, or looking like a fool, that I won't risk anything, and end up looking like a fool anyway. I can never risk my sharing my feelings for guys with them because I'm not confident in myself enough to believe that there might be a chance that they might even like me back. I wish I had the courage to be more outgoing, more bold. I wish I liked myself enough to not aways be afraid. I feel so ugly, so fat, all the time. I watch other girls and compare myself to them, thinking 'oh, they are so much thinner than me' or 'i wish i had cheekbones like hers' or 'my eyes are so small' or 'why can't i be as pretty and confident as she is?'. I always want to be someone else, I'm never happy with myself the way I am. In Korea, being surrounded by stick-thin, gorgeous girls all the time, somehow I felt better about myself than I do now, and I don't understand why. I just feel like I'm inadequate, and no decent guy would ever like me because I'm too fat. Then I see large girls with cute boyfriends and think 'how can they have a boyfriends and me not?', and I realize that it's all a matter of my pride. I don't believe that I can attract a guy, so I don't try. My criticism on myself reflects when others look at me. I don't have the kind of personality that is friendly enough to make up for the way I look, and I wish I did. I wish I could just be able to talk, to be able to flirt well, for goodness sake!!! |
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Friday, January 2, 2009
My favorite blog is probably postsecret. People from around the country send postcards with secrets on them to a man who, chances are, will never meet them. Every sunday I dutifully type the website into my address bar and gorge myself in the lusciousness of knowing things about people i don't even know. I've attempted to send in a few secrets myself, but I never actually got around to doing it. So, I thought that i would dedicate this entry to (mild, short, sweet) secrets that I want to send, but probably won't.
and that should be it. |
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