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Friday, March 27, 2009
Is it possible to cry over someone you don't even remember? My hadabogi (Or grandpa in korean). I have very few memories of him, and in all of them, he is not even the main part. The man whose lap I jumped into as I hyperly ran up and down the aisles of a plane, the figure who handed me the peeled oranges and patted my head affectionately. It's like he was just someone who was there, and I don't even remember seeing his face. Everyone in my family knows so much about him and they talk so well about him, but I have nothing to share. I know he was a great and generous man, but I don't have the memories to prove my knowledge. Why does he have to be the one thing I don't remember from that trip to Korea as a child? The few memories I do have I feel like I made up. I just miss him so much even though I don't even know him, and I wish that I had had the chance to know him. My only solace is the knowledge that someday I will meet him, and that I'll have the rest of eternity to know him. I wonder if he wishes he could know me, as well. |
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Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Often I'm a lot more sensitive about animals dying than I am about people's deaths. Maybe it's just because I've had pets die and no person that I'm close to has ever moved on, but I can't help but bawl at the simplest things that show an animal being killed or just dying. In English we watched Of Mice and Men, and I hastily attempted to hide my fat tears as the old dog was shot. We didn't even witness its death, we just heard the gunshot and saw his master's face crumple in despair, but I cried like a baby, in the middle of class. Something about the way Candy's face fell just broke something in my heart, and I wanted to just stand up and rub his back and comfort him, even if it wasn't real, because I know what it feels like. I know what it feels like to have no power over a beloved pet's death. And without fail, each and every time I watch the video for the poem about the rainbow bridge, I choke up and cry pathetically. I think about my first hamster, the one I loved so much, the one I took care of and adored, the one I took out almost 24/7, never ceasing to annoy. Before she died, I had stopped caring. She had died alone, when I could have been with her. Maybe I'm just inconsistent, maybe I get tired of my old things and want to move on to the next new thing. And my duckies, my poor duckies... They were my babies. I treated them like children. And then we had to give them away under tragic circumstances. I still can remember the day we dropped them off at Celina's house... Leaving them in their cage as the other ducks surrounded them, and watching them quack helplessly as we walked away, their honks sounding as if they were asking "Why? What did we do?" And then a month later when I went to visit them, and they didn't even remember me, or didn't care. And then a few months later when Joe casually said "Oh, puddles and muddy? I'm pretty sure puddles is dead." then watched as I began to cry in the lunchroom, on any old school day. I just can't help but find hope in the poem, even as my current pet, my little puppy, licks my toes. I almost look forward to the day that I die and join my babies at the 'Rainbow Bridge', no matter how much that sounds like a load of crap. Every time I watch the music video of Death Cab for Cutie, I start to sob, cause I know the scene is going to come where the one bunny dies, and the other bunny is heartbroken, so it dies with it. I'm just that pathetic. Just the idea that love can be so strong, even if it is represented in animals, that the two ones in love can die together... It seems like true love is impossible to find in this day and age. Everyone is searching for the perfect someone, but almost nobody finds them. I almost feel like if I wait to find the perfect man for me, I'll never get married. But at the same time I don't want to get married, because what if the love fades? What if he cheats on me and I'm left heartbroken and alone? I don't think I could handle that kind of heartbreak. How much ice cream and chocolate does it take to heal that kind of pain? What if it can't be healed? What if I'm the one that cheats? A story of mine says: "Was it truly better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all? The idea was debatable. If he had never fallen in love with her, he would never have had to feel the pain of not being able to have her love in return, never have had to face the rejection. But without love... he would be nothing. He never would have understood the beauty of simple things, the joy in the knowledge that there was someone that you would see the next morning that would be glad to see you too, no matter if she was glad for other reasons." |
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