|
Friday, July 24, 2009
Everything else seems so...trivial now. The things I've been concerned about, what other people are worried about seem so stupid, so selfish. How must his friends feel? Death has never been anywhere near close to me, and I've never truly had to face it at all. The pain it brings feels so much more real. I feel so lucky, so blessed, but at the same time, so empty. I just can't stop thinking about how his family must feel, about how they must be grieving right now. It must be so hard, not knowing if they'll ever see him again, not having the knowledge that I do. I can't even imagine losing my sister. I wish I could have known him. At least, better than I did. We were friends, not very good ones, but friends. I wish I could have talked to him more when I still had the chance. I wish that I had started up a conversation with him when I saw he was on facebook, but all my wishes have gone to waste, because now it's too late. I don't want to talk about it, yet at the same time I do. I don't want to hear about it, yet at the same time I do. My parents have tried to make me feel better, but they didn't even know him, they couldn't possibly understand. I don't know what to do to make the pain of this knowledge go away. Distracting myself only goes so far. It's just so hard to believe... I liked him a little, right when I met him at the beginning. I got over it, but it's still just so... close to home. I was looking forward to seeing him again at the camp next year, but that's clearly not happening. I wonder what he was thinking right before he died... how he was feeling. I know he's in a better place now, and I hope that he's feeling comforted, knowing that so many people here on earth care about him, even people that weren't his close friends. It's just not fair. Why did he have to go when he was so young? He was only seventeen, he had so many things left to accomplish in life. I'm so lucky to be alive, to know that I have a future, that I can have a long life. He will never know what it feels like to have a family, to find the one woman he loves more than anything else, to grow old with her, to experience life and all it has to offer. But maybe he is the lucky one in this scenario. Maybe it was his time to go, and he won't have to deal with so many of the painful things that everyone else will. He no longer has to face temptations, and now he's at peace. I can't help but think, though, that life may have its trials, but there will always be beautiful things that are there to balance them out. The wonderful things make up for the difficulties we face. Maybe Oige dying has taught me something more than I ever thought I would know: that I need to appreciate being alive, that I never know what is going to happen to me, so I have to do the things I love, and take pleasure in every moment I have in this life. I need to find joy in the journey, and I need to share my love with those around me. I need to stop thinking 'What if?' and just go for it. I need to tell the people that I care about that I love them, and I need to live life to the fullest. Dear Oige, Hey, let me ask you a question. How are you feeling, now? Is it true? Are you in the place that I've always heard about, dreamt about, the Spirit World? I hope you're happier now, and I hope that you don't regret anything that's happened in your life. Do you have some wicked powers, like hearing peoples' thoughts and knowing how they're feeling? If so, then you can obviously tell how many people are so sad about your moving on. Is it better up there than it is down here? I hope you have someone you care about with you. I know you probably think it's weird, me actually caring to the point of writing a letter to a person who will never get it (or maybe your magical powers are showing you this as I write it), but what can I say, I was shocked when I heard the news. I cried, a lot. Maybe we weren't the best of friends, but it's just scary, hearing that someone I knew and genuinely liked was no longer an email away. That I would never have the chance to talk to you ever again, at least, not in this life. I hope you're being taken care of up there, and I hope your family isn't feeling too lonely without you. And I especially hope it didn't hurt too much when you left your body for good. Is it peaceful? Is death something to look forward to? I'll see you in the afterlife. Erin |
|
❝ The only excuse for making a useless thing
is that one enjoys it immensely;
All art is useless. ❞
