|
Friday, September 10, 2010
"My biggest advice for anyone dealing with the heartbreak of an unwanted breakup is to look very carefully at the person who broke up with you and look very carefully at yourself. If you are radically honest, you will see a myriad of ways that you asked for the breakup to happen as well as the ways that you deserve something better in relation to an other" |
|
|
Thursday, September 2, 2010
it's been awhile... a lot has happened. but the point of this is not to talk about how angsty i've been in the past few months, but rather, a topic that has been perplexing me. God? are you there? should i keep blindly following, or go off on my own tangent, pursuing happiness at my own pace, in my own way? i can't not believe that there is a higher being of some kind, but i hate the idea that we should refrain from experiencing some things because it's against God's will. aren't we here to have a fullfilling experience? i'm so confused about what i believe...and i don't know how to figure out what i do believe. it feels like i'm so used to being part of an organized religion because i was raised in it, and LDS ideals have been hammered into my head for the past sixteen years. only now am i starting to develop any doubts. but the idea of God...of everlasting life...it gives such a feeling of hope that i've been lacking. maybe this is a sign? doubting God = empty feeling inside. because recently i've been so unhappy, and i've blamed it on patrick...but that's not the point! i will not talk about him, i don't want to. not now. maybe this is another sign - i was strolling through facebook, minding my own business, when i came across a peculiar group dedicated to a girl who went to olympus... i looked at the girl's profile, and all of the posts left on her wall were messages from friends, speaking of love and happy memories. i honestly was unsure of what it all meant, because nothing hinted at what had happened - the girl had died from some sort of heat stroke while hiking this past summer. the messages i read made me tear up, because none of them sounded hopeless. all of them were happy, and they all of spoke of knowing that she is still present, at least in a heavenly way. that she still watches over, even if she is no longer physically alive. i remember when oige died, reading messages on his wall made me cry, too, but for a different reason: everyone was so sad. no one believed they'd see this happy, beautiful boy ever again. they spoke of memories wistfully, saying how much they missed him, and how they wished he was still alive. they had no hope that they could ever be with him again. but with this girl...everyone said how much they missed her, but it was clear that they knew it wasn't really the end. how sad it must be, not knowing if you'll ever see someone you love again. that is one thing i love irrevocably about my religion, that feeling of hope. knowing that good bye is never really good bye. so is it really all or nothing? can i be Mormon without really being Mormon? |
|
