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Saturday, April 5, 2008
I'm just starting to realize how little I really know. My sister has been one of my greatest role models in life; always doing well in school, trying to avoid conflicts with my mother, and very organized. All the things that I am not. She has been like a second mom to me, while my real mother is yelling at me, trying to get things her way, Lia is reasonable, trying to get the concluding result to favor in every one's opinion. Her motherly ways can be quite frustrating, and my temper often gets the better of me, seeing as I have anger issues. I always figured her as a cold, almost emotionless person, always collected and straight to the point. At times she can be goofy and a little hyperactive, but those times are rare, especially now. Today she told me why: She's suffering from depression, and all I do is aid in its destructiveness. She didn't say the latter, but I figure that my temper doesn't exactly help. She explained to me how when she was 14, she had depression but didn't tell anyone in the family because she worried that mom wouldn't have understood, which she probably wouldn't have. A cousin of mine is also depressed, and my mom chastises him for being 'weird'. Sometimes I just can't understand why she thinks it's okay to make fun of other people as long as they don't hear. Just yesterday I mentioned how I think a little half Chinese half American boy in our ward is so adorable and she replied that, No, he isn't because his mother is ugly. I told her that it was rude of her to say things like that, that she shouldn't, and how would she feel if someone said "Oh, Erin's mother is so ugly." In response, she said "I don't think that I'm ugly. But she is." I was so frustrated with her that I kept arguing, saying that even if the person doesn't hear you making fun of them, it's still considered a sin because you are voicing your unkind opinion of someone else without any need. She said "You ungrateful little girl. I'm taking you to the library and I don't even need to! I should kick you out of the car right now." Her logic seriously astounds me sometimes. Instead of admitting that it's rude to call people out on their personal appearances, she insisted that she was right and I was wrong and I simply "didn't understand". This really doesn't have anything to do with my original topic, so I'll return to that. Lia said that she had recovered from her depression when she was 14, but it had caused her to become detached and less confiding with mom. It had ruined their relationship, and had made things harder for her. I never realized how well I had it off, but my conversation with Lia really set things in a new light. Whenever my mom and I fight, my dad tends to side with me or at least try to calm us both down. She gets angry and says that he cares about me too much. Lia told me that when she was younger, dad would hit her and yell at her, while with me he's more gentle. I've come to think that maybe it's because after his experience with Lia, he realized what he had done was wrong and tried to be more fair with me. My mom learned no such lesson, although she's a little less strict with me. It's partially because she learned to accept that my grades will never be perfect, and that I will never bow down to her will. But Lia's life was much harder than mine is now. She even ran away from home her senior year, after a fight with my mom and dad. I don't really remember what happened, I was only in fifth grade, but she somehow ended up coming back home. Anyways, more with her depression. She said that she's had it for awhile, and that it's more a chemical unbalance more than anything else. Apparently, she's considered comitting suicide many times, which completely suprises me. I thought Lia was more put together than anyone I know. Goes to show that appearances are fooling. |
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❝ The only excuse for making a useless thing
is that one enjoys it immensely;
All art is useless. ❞
